....and still.

....searching still....here I am....maybe I have a problem - according to the conventional. And I wonder, does this distract me from something more important?  {Where is she? Is she alive?} Ha ha a bit dramatic aren't I, or perhaps not...(...these days). Try harder perhaps-but how? What to do? Move on...But I think I've moved well enough and I'll keep moving, that doesn't mean I have to... Maybe I need finality to know that..... {she's moved on...}. Sad, that's what this is...(perhaps pathetic...)

Wading...

....not really poetic, - obviously -  at least I think...For what it's worth, if it's worth anything more than what it's worth to me... Well...let's see...


....the wading, the waiting, the wondering...wondering where...what if (maybe). Yes it's been a while since...There's still faith that you,me... (maybe) Hopeless, maybe...? I don't know...still holding on - yet moving forward...Wading,waiting,wondering...Empty temptations lay here and there, like traps purposed for me...Fell for a trap once - I made it myself. Was it because of you? No, that was me... Got out of the trap; a few scratches, but not as deep as the trap itself...Wading,waiting,wondering....I know who and what I want; but do I need you? In a way...maybe...Do I deserve...you(maybe)? Am I worthy...? Maybe I can be...I'm showing weakness, or could this be seen as strength (maybe)? It's bold in a way...I thought I saw what may be your beacon; not sure if it was or is...Was it or is it for me...(maybe)? Not sure... I respond, maybe too late, maybe not so strong... I reply again-a little stronger... Maybe this time...This...my beacon...to know for sure...What do I have to lose....It's been a while...This is a little daring....There's hope, but for what, really...? I can imagine..."Maybe I can be..." That "Maybe" has potential - potential to be creative, potential to be more than what may simply be upon sight and mere thought... creative...Hoping....Waiting, wondering, wading...

...and at this point

It was  a  wasted summer Friday ; I didn't set out what I had intended to do. Now it's  Saturday during those "awkward hours"... I originally planned on posting this ramble earlier but possibly due to fate or coincidence wifi crapped out. This ramble originally had more of a...hopeful sad vibe,but now it's more of a blah - hopeful vibe.  And here I am thinking and feeling of what was lost over two months ago....hoping that in the future I/we could get it back (I have my reasons why - too much to say at this moment). So much can happen and change in minutes, hours, days and months; just the same as not much can change - I haven't changed that much, I remain loyal to what I said (too hopeful maybe) I fear much has changed on the other end, and that hope is lost - I do not know for sure - I'm loyal... Too much thinking.....And sometimes being up during these "awkward hours" does not help; it could allow more negative thinking....
 This might seem lame weak pathetic to anyone who stumbles upon this, but fuck 'em. If this could be easily seen as weak then why not strong. Bold enough to express deeper thoughts and feeling; not afraid to admit to how one feels; not allowing those thoughts and feelings to scare one away, but to acknowledge them confront them - realize that they are apart of who you are - coping. 

[eh, at this point I feel I may edit this some more....]

If she only knew - maybe she knows and maybe she doesn't care (I'm still here; there's no one else). I wonder what she is doing now; how she feels...I wonder if I truly matter to her...

I Still Feel

...and then you start to think....about the good times; makes you feel good, puts a smile on your face, and there's even a chuckle. You begin to imagine another scenario - it's never happened before but it's just as good as what has come to past. The imagery is so real, like it actually happened; you smile, and even another chuckle. You hear her laugh, see her smile, feel her arm wrapped around yours, feel her body bump and press into yours, as you both walk down a fairly calm Spanish Harlem street on a moonlit summer night. It feels like somewhere this is actually happening, like a parallel dimension - hell it's probably true...

There's no worries despite the normal frustrations that creep up every now and then; but on this night it doesn't matter so much, we just walk...together...We share each others' positive energy, it bounces back and forth between the both of us, just for us...it feels good...we walk. She holds me tighter, subtle but noticeable; I respond the same...

But reality kicks in (at least the current reality) and murmurs "...this never happened, and it probably won't..."
Oddly enough you think to yourself that there is another dimension, and with a little bit of jealousy, envy, you hope that this is happening; "the positive energy continues to bounce between the both of us, and it will go farther than what has happened in your reality..."   A little bit of hope - but....
"That's how it's suppose to be...."

If she stumbles upon this, she might think I'm weak; but I am not....

And I wonder...

...the things we do....the choices we make-and that's exactly apart of the problem - is it really our choice? Grant it I have had a similar conversation with someone I really care about (she is my interest of heart heh); we agreed that in life people are able to choose but the choices are limited- not the exact words but something along those lines. We agreed that God knows what choice we will make despite numerous choices we have...  But what stirs my mind at the moment, goes just a little deep; are the things we do, our reactions, and attractions are they by our own conscious choice? A "choice" we developed on our own or a choice influenced by...well anything? Or I dread the idea that choices we make - most especially when it comes to relationships and physical attraction - is based upon the scientific theory about "natural selection" - the whole thing about the "best genes". Are these emotions that we claim to have are they fake?

I rebel against the idea that our emotions mean nothing....

(I'll probably finish this post another time...)

And this begins...

So here I am again...Eating almonds, drinking aloe,watching the Shining (Stanley Kubricks' version), and online job searching.For some time I contemplated creating a blog like this - topping off about six or eight other online accounts. I believe there is a term for people like me, who have a multitude of online accounts and e-mails; I think it's called online schizophrenia - but I could be wrong not the exact term that is used. But I finally initiated this blog due to the thoughts that just manifest in my mind at these awkward hours. Insomnia? Probably. A problem? Not sure. There is a theory that people who are more active at these hours and not during "normal" are completely fine: delayed sleep reaction is apart of that theory. But back to my purpose of this: I do write my thoughts down every now and then - especially when they really start to become rampant - but I'm not really a writer. This blog is nothing too candid; can't reveal everything; what's life without a little mystery.  But I feel I have to make something out of what distracts me from my sleep...or from whatever...
I hope this blog would be another useful method of inspiration and self motivation; but grant it I don't think it would as significant as my actual inspirations and motivations....

(she says she doesn't know me...this is probably true. Maybe she would stumble upon this and it will help....)