...and at this point

It was  a  wasted summer Friday ; I didn't set out what I had intended to do. Now it's  Saturday during those "awkward hours"... I originally planned on posting this ramble earlier but possibly due to fate or coincidence wifi crapped out. This ramble originally had more of a...hopeful sad vibe,but now it's more of a blah - hopeful vibe.  And here I am thinking and feeling of what was lost over two months ago....hoping that in the future I/we could get it back (I have my reasons why - too much to say at this moment). So much can happen and change in minutes, hours, days and months; just the same as not much can change - I haven't changed that much, I remain loyal to what I said (too hopeful maybe) I fear much has changed on the other end, and that hope is lost - I do not know for sure - I'm loyal... Too much thinking.....And sometimes being up during these "awkward hours" does not help; it could allow more negative thinking....
 This might seem lame weak pathetic to anyone who stumbles upon this, but fuck 'em. If this could be easily seen as weak then why not strong. Bold enough to express deeper thoughts and feeling; not afraid to admit to how one feels; not allowing those thoughts and feelings to scare one away, but to acknowledge them confront them - realize that they are apart of who you are - coping. 

[eh, at this point I feel I may edit this some more....]

If she only knew - maybe she knows and maybe she doesn't care (I'm still here; there's no one else). I wonder what she is doing now; how she feels...I wonder if I truly matter to her...